Requiem for a Lost Lover

I was the most beautiful girl in your world.

If you had decided to stay, you would have gone my way.

That’s what you called to tell me on your last day.

All that’s left of you is a mugshot online,
though I still try and find
your obituary.

I want a trace,
a trail, 
anything to lead you back to me.
Something more than the memories.

I used to dance around you at house parties
and I hoped you were watching me from your sleepy couch stupor.
I longed to play your skin like piano keys
and move my lips beside your ear secretly.

You were my scene
and I craved your company
to help me stop sitting uncomfortably.

I look for the future in the dregs of my black tea,
though I prefer looking into the past.
Back to when we drank from a bottomless glass
and got twisted up in your best friend’s sheets.

Legs lacing,
palms racing,
knocking nervous knees.

Smoking a cigarette with my head on your chest,
listening to your breaths,
kissing your tattoos,
even the ones I thought were stupid.

Oh! These memories are agony.

You fell like a bumblebee,
veins overdosed with the pollen of a deadly peony.

Now that you’re gone I see you often,
perhaps to soften the blow of how I wish I’d seen you more when you were alive.

I promise to never put another relationship on cruise control
but I’m always emptying myself to make the people around me feel full.

I wish I could learn to live like you did,
ride or die like the fighter of a bull.

With all my heart and soul,
I love you truly, madly, deeply.

I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone when you tried to reach me.

In front of a crowd, you’re there holding my hand.
You’re my biggest fan.

You had wounds that couldn’t be mended,
though I’m glad in this life our hearts blended.

You couldn’t pretend anymore,
you stood up and put an end to your war.

You died trying to get it right,
of that I am sure.

The stars are brighter thanks to you
and you remind me to live with luminance.

You were full of this beloved light.
Now I carry your beloved light.